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"CAUSING PAIN: REAL STORIES OF DATING ABUSE AND VIOLENCE"

(TEEN AUDIENCE)
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MALE ACTOR: You said you'd call.

FEMALE ACTRESS: He's so controlling. I, I can't even, I can't do anything without him.
JENNIFER: I mean, it's a big issue. It's almost as big as drugs. And you hear about that all the time in schools, you hear about it on, just at work, but you never hear about, you know, abuse. And it's all over.

MALE ACTOR: What do you think you're doing? I can't, I can't believe this.

AMY: When you tell an alcoholic they're an alcoholic, they don't listen. They're like, no, I don't have a problem. That's exactly how it is. You're like, no, I'm not in an abusive relationship. Until you step out of it, and you actually look at the big picture.

BOBBY: You know, you keep kidding yourself. You're thinking, it's got to get better, it's going to get better. Then you realize it's not, and you realize you've been kidding yourself all this time. Well, you're in way too deep.

JENNIFER: It was our first day of high school, so it was like, you know, there was new people, lots of new people, you know? And he was there with his brother. It was basically like he didn't have the time for me at that moment.

FEMALE ACTRESS: Hey.

MALE ACTOR: Don't interrupt.

JENNIFER: So, like, I guess he wanted me to go away.

MALE ACTOR: It doesn't concern you. Get out of here.

JENNIFER: And he just turned around and hit me, in my arm. And that was the very first time that I ever, like, was hit. And I just remember, like, a lot of people saw it, they were just like looking at me like, you know, like they couldn't believe that I let him do that. Like, not that he did it, but that I let him do it.

AMY: Last summer, I had gone to summer school. And there was this guy in my summer school class. And he was your everyday football player. All the girls loved him, he had nice style, he had the money, everything. And he picked me, he liked me. So, of course, I was like, oh, my God. And I had always been the outcast at school, never really hanging out with the popular group. And so, you know, we started dating, and then about two weeks into the relationship, he told me if you don't give me the attention I need, then I'm gonna go get it from somebody else.

AMY: (CONTINUED) And at first I was scared, I was like, oh, I don't want to lose him, so, you know, I gave him the attention. And he was making me not hang out with my friends, making me go over to his house at 2:00 in the morning, ridiculous stuff.

DONNA: I had a relationship where they were trying to be controlling, telling me I couldn't dance or wear certain things. When you go like to parties or dances together and they, you know, are watching you real closely, well, he started telling me, oh you cannot, you can't dance with people. You have to, you know, when you go to a party, you have to be by yourself, you can't dance. Or, you can't go to parties when I go, or stuff like that.

DONNA: (CONTINUED) That's when it started happening, he started trying to be controlling, and trying to control you. Telling you who you can talk to and you can't have male friends and stuff like that. That's just signs. I would try to compromise, but compromising wouldn't work, really.
BOBBY: Whenever we were not together, and I'd be trying to hang out with my boys, you know, have a little free time with them, cell phone would blow up, constantly. Always wanting to know, you know, where are you at? What are you doing? What time are you coming over? Well, I don't know. You know, every 30 seconds I had to pick up the phone. And then, of course, if I don't answer it, then I have a voicemail, text message, you know, where are you at? What are you doing? There was never any free time.

TERRI: I was 15-years-old, and for the first month and a half, you know, it was perfect, you know, I couldn't ask for more. But I guess things just weren't going well. And then so we broke up, and we'd get back together and we'd break up, I mean, I don't know how many times, probably over a dozen. But, like, he, you know, said, I shouldn't wear makeup or I shouldn't wear that shirt 'cause it shows too much, or I shouldn't wear those shorts 'cause they're too short. Stuff, just stuff like that.

FEMALE ACTRESS: I'm going to class.

MALE ACTOR: Who do you think you are?

TERRI: He wanted to spend all of his time with me, but yet, he could still have his own friends that, you know, he can go and do whatever. But, you know, I had to, I had to isolate myself at home. I lost all my friends, and I didn't do anything except sit at home and watch TV. Something felt wrong.

AMY: They put you down. They tell you, you know, you're so ugly, you're so fat, nobody else is gonna want to get with you. And then you start to believe it after awhile.

BOBBY: I mean, you know, anytime we went anywhere, it was always me that was reaching in my wallet to pull out, you know, for the bills, for the clothes, for the movies, for the concert tickets, yet we both had part-time jobs. You know, why didn't she offer to pay for anything? And then she started to, you know, disrespect me in front of my friends, making jokes about me, flirting with other guys, just bringing me down in front of other people. I don't want that.

MALE ACTOR: Why aren't you wearing the shirt I gave you?

FEMALE ACTRESS: You can't tell me how to dress.

MALE ACTOR: This is too low cut, and it's too tight. You know how many guys are gonna be looking at you with that on?

JENNIFER: I mean, at first it was just like, well you can't wear too short of shorts. But then it went to spaghetti-strap shirts, and it went to where it was just jeans and like long-sleeves, that's all. And then it got to where who I couldn't talk to, if he didn't like the girl, I couldn't talk to her, you know, I couldn't talk to boys. And then, got to where I couldn't go anywhere without calling.

JENNIFER: (CONTINUED) I couldn't go to family's house, even if there was family right down the street, he didn't want me there. He'd rather me be at home, even if it was by myself, just so he knew where I was.

JENNIFER: If things didn't go his way, you know, he'd threaten to hit me or something like that, and it got crazy.

AMY: He had this thing, he had to pass before I did. But when he found out that I had all As in my classes, he didn't let me study from then on, until I got him passing. So I'd go over to his house every night, tutor him, make him do his work. But if I pulled out my homework, he'd take it and not let me study.

BOBBY: You know, I guess you start thinking you're not going to get another one, you know? You're willing to put up with anything. At least I was.

JENNIFER: It's like, you forget details about the bad times, but you remember details about the good times and, I mean, it's a struggle, 'cause it's like, one minute you're like, I want, I want out of this, and I'm gonna get out of this, no matter what it takes. But then, in the next minute, you're like, oh, I don't want to, and then you'd go back. And it's like, it's off and on, off and on. Then, as it starts to escalate and get worse, you kind of felt like you'll never find anybody else, or that if you do, they're going to all be that way.

DONNA: But when you sit there and forgive and forgive, they're gonna start taking advantage of you and stop respecting you.

AMY: I was just depressed, and my grades had dropped. I had made all A's. You don't want to shower in the morning, you don't want to get up and shower, you just get up, put clothes on, go to school. If you're mentally abused, then that can shoot you down just as much as a fist could. MIGUEL Like, the first couple of weeks, if he told her something that she didn't like, she would, like, break down.

MALE ACTOR: I called you six times.

FEMALE ACTRESS: No, you didn't.

MALE ACTOR: Yes, I did.

FEMALE ACTRESS: No. I didn't, I got no message.

MALE ACTOR: I called your mom, she didn't know where you were. I called your friends, you didn't, they didn't know where you were.

FEMALE ACTRESS: Oh, ho, friends?

MALE ACTOR: Yeah.

FEMALE ACTRESS: I have.

MALE ACTOR: I called you...

MIGUEL: And I was like, well, this is a weak one, so I can tell her whatever I want to, and she'll do it. And that's what made me feel like I could tell her to do anything, like, where she can go and who she can talk to and told her, like, well, I don't like that shirt, so don't wear it. So, she picked another shirt. And she was crying 'cause I was doing other stuff. At the time, it made me feel good. I just liked the power, the control. When I was thinking about it, I was like, man, I'm a punk. I just, I can't believe that I did all that stuff to her, and she was nice to me.

DONNA: I had a party like a week ago or whatever, and he was there, and he was like with his friends. And I was like, come over here now, and all this other stuff. And he'll come. So I was like, and then when I went home, I was like, no, that's not how I'm supposed to act, you know? Well, I feel myself being kind of controlling, but I try to stop myself.

AMY: Yeah, you can't change them, which is what I'd always told myself. I was like, oh, he'll change, he'll change, he cares about me, he's gonna change. They're not gonna change themselves, unless they want to change themselves. When I was in school, I didn't know any of the signs of controlling or abusive relationships, until I'd gotten in one, and I went to counseling. And then I learned, and now I see it all the time.

JENNIFER: It just happened in health class one day. We were watching, you know, gone with the topic of abuse, and we were watching a video. And that's when it clicked. And the way that relationship was is exactly the way that mine and my boyfriend was.

JENNIFER: If you're boyfriend starts telling you that it's not important to hang out with your family anymore, and that it's more important to hang out with him, that's the biggest warning sign ever.

BOBBY: You know, I kind of felt bad about myself. I started wondering, you know, what kind of a person am I? What do I want out of life? You know, is this how I want to be treated the rest of my life? The answer is no, you know, I want respect, I want to be able to give someone respect, and I want respect back.

JENNIFER: Just ways that, you know, he would talk to me, I wouldn't even let my own father talk to me like that. I mean, he was putting me down more than I'd ever been put down in my life. And so, I was just like, you know, you don't realize it until you step back from it, and take some time, and look at it.

RENEE: There was this one guy that tried talking to me, I was on the computer...

FEMALE ACTRESS: Just working on some schoolwork, getting this, get done.

MALE ACTOR: Oh, you've got, you know, maybe give me your phone number, I wouldn't be so distracting.

RENEE: He got mad at me, just because I told him to leave me alone. So he just started cursing me out.

MALE ACTOR: It's just a phone number. Why can't you just give it to me? God...

FEMALE ACTRESS: Well, if it's just a phone number why is it such a big deal?

MALE ACTOR: Yeah, yeah, it's just, stupid computer. Whoops, whoops, wow.

FEMALE ACTRESS: Don't.

MALE ACTOR: Yeah, see ya.

RENEE: I felt like, what's going on? You know, I don't even know you. And I just told the principal and she dealt with it and she took care of it.

MIGUEL: Like, the first time you even see them be abusive or, like, they are going to hit you, or they get loud, and they don't know how to control it, then that's when you should leave the person.

JENNIFER: I don't think you should waste any time. When you even have the little bit of a feeling that it's gonna get abusive, just either get away, and just break up with them. I mean, don't talk to them. And if it, if it gets to the point where they're not leaving you alone, then take it to somebody, take it to your parents, take it to the police, do something. I mean, it's like, you don't ever have to be abused, by anyone.

BOBBY: Ask the family, ask the friend, you know, ask anyone. The important thing is that you're not dealing with it yourself. That you're trying to talk with someone and work it through. 'Cause you're not gonna deal with it alone, you shouldn't have to.

AMY: I just did it cold turkey. I broke it off, didn't answer the calls, you know, changed my number, everything. And I salute anybody who can do that.

DONNA: Get your stuff back on your feet, and then when you realize that you're ready for a relationship again, get to know that person, and know that he won't make the mistakes, or she won't make the mistakes, that your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend did.

JENNIFER: Think about, before you start yelling and, you know, throwing things, you can always sit down and think about stuff. I mean, can you, you can talk it out. There's a moment, right before you hit someone, that you can stop. You can say, wait a minute, you know, this is not right.

MIGUEL: Basically, you got to give respect to get respect. Doing what you're doing to your partner is just going to make your partner feel bad. And you want to see your partner be happy.

[END OF VIDEO]